NFL: Gridiron Preview Week 5

Gridiron Preview is a weekly feature that will run all 17 weeks of the glorious NFL schedule, and then a sexy drown time for the playoffs. Don't look for betting advice here, even though we're almost always right.

Oh, how things can change in a week. Sure, the baseball and football seasons claim to put emphasis on every single game when the end of the season depends on it. But in football, it is actually every week that matters because there's only so many of them. For some teams, the season, only a quarter through, is already over. For others, there's light at the end of the tunnel.

What we learned is that you shouldn't mess with the Patriots. They got offense, they got defense, they've got special teams, and I'm pretty sure they've got a contract with Satan. There is nothing that this team does bad, or even remotely bad. They're so loaded, it's not even funny, in fact it should be illegal. They just sent another team packing into the off season, and maybe even took them back 20 years. Randy Moss looks reborn, and the offense is moving the ball with deft precision. The defense has always been a staple of their team, and they're still missing their two best players. It's just not fair. There's never any turmoil, never any issues. No fighting, no scrapping, even when things aren't going their way. This team is not a team, it's a group of cloned robots with no emotion. They both depress me and amaze me at the same time, and I'm not sure which is worse.

Who knew, when they were making up the schedule, that the game of the week could end up being Tampa Bay at Indianapolis. I mean, yeah, anything including Indianopolis sends the studio execs for a cleanup at "Isle Four," but Tampa Bay for the last couple years might as well have been wearing their Clementine uniforms. I'm still not sure how that team is effective in any manner, but they've certainly got a tougher road to climb now that their offensive lineman and running back are out for the season. Both Chucky and Garcia seem reborn, but it's no surprise for Jeff, since he's coming home to Carmella every night. I'd be reborn in the morning as well. The Colts are playing well, but it'd be a stretch to say impressive. Just last week the got bit by the injury horse fly, taking down three of their best players, including the rarely audible Marvin Harrison. Fear not Colts fans, it should still be enough to beat Tampa Bay in the battle of who's less injured. The only mystery here is, whether it'll be a nail biter, or a snoozer. However, in honor fhte great Albino, it gives me pleasure to post pictures of the stunningly beautiful wife Carmella.


Our Picks: We will pick 10 games against the spread for each week. One of these 10 has to be a Sunday night game, and the other has to be a Monday night game, that way we won't wimp out. The winner gets bragging rights. Last week, I once again proved dominance while not betting any real money

Records: Total (Last week)
Hermano: 17-12-1 (7-3)
DSC: 15-14-1 (6-4)

Cowboys (-10.5) at Bills
Hermano - Home dog? Check. A team that's due? Check. Is it cold as balls in Buffalo? Pretty sure. The perfect storm has arrived, and double digit points is too much. In fact, I think Bills win outright. Superbowl. Bills +10.5.
DSC -This just in, Dallas is good. Cowboys -10.5.

Bears at Packers (-3.5)
Hermano - Anyone that is needed for this game is currently in the hospital, or practicing in the Cowboys facility. People loved the Griese move, but what of it now? Is he still the most popular person in Chicago? Packers at home. Favre and Lofton love the fountain of youth. Tough to go against scary man Hawk. Packers -3.5.
DSC -Green Bay has this little known QB named Brett Favre. Also, I got a first hand look at the bears and MAN they are bad. Packers -3.5.

And now, some games we might not have in common...

Chargers at Broncos (-1)
Hermano - I think it's time to strip the genius label, this team has barely held its head above water. Travis Henry might be done for a year, and even though they never hurt for running backs, what they have back there is almost worthless. San Diego needs this more. Charges +1.
DSC - I HATE this game. Both teams suck. LT has to win one game on his own and I think this is it. Charges +1.

Ravens at 49ers (-3.5)
Hermano - So, let me get this straight. This team just lost by 20 some points, and their quarterback is out for this game. Ravens got humiliated, so it's not like they're going to be motivated or anything. May have overestimated the 49ers this season. Ravens +3.5.

Seahawks at Steelers (-6)
Hermano - Horrible week last week for Pittsburgh on the road, but that was without Polamalu because of some stomach issues. Also, the passing game didn't miss a beat without Hines Ward - I had my doubts about Santonio, but he is money. Steelers -6.
DSC - Pitt needs to make amends for last week, Seattle traveled across the country. Steelers -6.

Browns at Patriots (-17)
Hermano - Home town (my hometown) team getting three scores, and it still isn't enough. Last two times I picked against the Browns, they made me look like a fool, but so did the Patriots. And, I just happen to think the Patriots look like world beaters. Patriots -17.
DSC - The great FUCK YOU tour continues. Patriots -17.

Jets at Giants (-3.5)
Hermano - I didn't pick the Jets to make the playoffs did I? Didn't think so. Anyways, no part of the Jets offense or defense looks good, and the Giants are actually playing well. Their 12 sacks may be a taste of things to come on the defensive line. Giants -3.

Buccaneers at Colts (-10)
Hermano - Double digit may be too much, the Colts, who I don't feel have been that dominant. Also, the injury bug is starting to hit the Colts, and they'll want to sit down a couple of people. This will be a tight one. Buccaneers +10.
DSC - This is very clearly a "Tampa lost their starting running back and an offensive lineman and need some time to gel" pick. Colts -10.

Falcons at Titans (-8.5)
Hermano - Joey Harrington! His weeks week of playing well is gone, and here comes the real Harrington. How often can you bet against Vince Young anyways. This guy may not have the stats, but he has the wins. Incredible. Titans -8.5.

Panthers at Saints (-3.5)
Hermano - Okay, now that they're not making the playoffs, the pressure is off and they can play loose. Plus, the Panthers are starting David Carr on the road, and when has he ever done anything? Saints really break out this game. Saints -3.5.
DSC - David Carr is starting and my fantasy team NEEDS Brees to play better. So uh, that's why I'm taking the Saints off the bye. Saints -3.5.

Lions at Redskins (-3.5)
DSC -The Lord wants the Lions to break this 0-20 streak. Also, I like the Lions. Lions +3.5.

Dolphins at Texans (-9)
DSC - It was between this one and the Atlanta. And while i'm positive that Joey will screw up the game, I'm not positive that it'll be 9 points worth. So I take this one. Also, I like the Texans. Texans -9.

Cardinals (-3.5) at Rams
DSC - Gus is starting. He also once gave himself a concussion celebrating. That's not something you ever live down. Cardinals -3.5.

You wanted Griese, you got Griese [Ghosts of Wayne Fontes]
Henry facing one year suspension [Dallas Morning News]
Photo: Stat Leader